Being the ninth of occasional excerpts from my erotic comedy Spank: The Improbable Adventures of George Aloysius Brown.
(Part 2/2 Dieter’s trial continues on a charge of indecent exposure)
At this point, the court adjourned for its morning break, so that her ladyship, who loves horses even more than birds, could study the Racing Form and mark her card for the afternoon races at Sandringham. She liked to place at least one bet on a whim, usually based on word association and there were several contenders that caught her eye based on the evidence so far before her: Rising Rocket in the 2:30, Morning Glory and Great Expectations in the three o’clock, and In Tight in the four o’clock. She finally settled on Right Honorable Member in the Breeders’ Cup and made a hurried phone call to her bookmaker.
“You sure about that, Geraldine, the odds are pretty long,” he told her.
“Apparently, so is the member.” she laughed. “Twenty quid each way.”
When court resumed, Dieter Schitler elected to take the witness stand to give evidence on his own behalf. George had briefed him to describe events exactly as they had happened, to do so plainly and simply without embellishment. On the perplexing problem of his persistent erection he patiently explained the surgical procedure that had enhanced it and, because of all the excitement going on, his temporary inability to deflate it.
Lady Warmington listened with mounting incredulity.
“Flicking a little switch, is that all it takes?” she asked him. “Like turning on the lights?”
She was fascinated by the mechanics of the defendant’s ‘huge erection’ and had conjured up a mental image that was not altogether displeasing.
“So when it’s up, it’s down?” she surmised.
“No, when it’s down, it’s up,” he replied.
This prompted more laughter in court and the gavel got another pounding.
She was also increasingly concerned that she might have picked the wrong horse. She quickly consulted her oracle concealed in a copy of The Legal Review. Damn! She knew it. A three-year-old called Pumped Up was a late entry in the final race. Her ladyship was wondering if she had time to change her bet. There might be if she got on with it. She fixed the defendant with a steely stare, exhibiting to Court Room No. 1 the full might of magisterial authority.
“So even though you admit you had an erection, there was no intent on your part to have one and still less to exhibit it in public,” she said.
“That is correct, your Honor.”
“Very well,” she said. “You may sit down.”
Lady Geraldine Ponsoby-Warmington JP sat back in her chair and gathered together her documents.
“I find the defendant Not Guilty,” she said. “Case dismissed.” And she headed for the door to her chambers.
“All rise!” bellowed the usher.
In the public gallery George nudged Pem in the ribs.
“All rise, except Dieter,” he whispered.
They had a good laugh over that and then they adjourned to the pub next door to celebrate.